Whatever Lolla Wants

I wrote the following after my pet Umbrella Cockatoo passed this past spring.

June 2007:


On my thirteenth birthday we walked up the three cement steps into the doublewide. The vynil on the sides was white, the door a tin like metal. Three knocks,the sound of a little girl on the other side, the little girls voice cries out, "They are here!" A long haired woman with brown eyes opened the door. The long haired woman says, "You must be Linda, we spoke on the phone. Please come in!" She shakes our hands and invites us in. I introduced myself and said hello to the little curly red haired girl that had announced our arrival. The little one tells me her name and smiles with the bashful face of a five year old. Her long curly red hair reminds me of my sister.

We are taken to the living room area of the doublewide, the smell of recently cooked beef hangs in the air as we are shown two bird cages stacked one on top of the other. On the lower one is a large white umbrella cockatoo, and the top cage is a little blue/green with a white cap on his head. We are told that the one on top is a white capped pionus. The little one on top makes the cute sound of a dog's squeaky toy, but our focus is on the big white bird, she is the one that we saw the add for. I'm excited, mom has promised me a Parrot for my thirteenth birthday. We just got a blue front amazon, but he is really mean, my brother calls him satan. So I am excited to see this white angel before me.

The white angel raises her top notch and makes a clicking noise with her beak, "ka ka ka ka" is the sound she makes at me. The nice lady lets the white angel out of her cage and tells us we can hold her, she wont bite. She also lets the little blue green bird out of his cage. She tells us that they are both really friendly and wont bite us. She also tells us that she is getting rid of both due to them not liking her little daughter. She looks sad as she says this. She has had the two of them since they were chicks. They have never been a problem, but now she is worried that her girl is upsetting the two of them... and she wants them to go to a good home. She looks sad as she says this, but she looks hopeful when she watches us play with the two birds.

Mom picks up the white umbrella cockatoo. The Umbrella cockatoo clings to its cage, but despite its protests allows Mom to pick her up. immediately the cockatoo rushes up and puts its head against my mothers chest, "Ka ka ka ka." The ka sounds coming from the cockatoo follow in rapid succession and sound like a soothing whisper. I can tell Mom has fallen in love with this one. Four hundred dollar adoption fee for her. My heart tells me that this lady needs the money, and despreately wants her birds to go to a good home. I've been holding the little green parrot, later on I'll find out he is a White Caped Pionus Parrot. I go over to mom and ask her if I can hold the white one, she consents and gives me the ka'ing bird. Again the parrot nuzzels up to me. My heart goes pitter patter in synch with her ka's.

A fluttering sound errupts from the other side of the room, I look up just in time to see that the Pionus Parrot I was just holding is flying right at me! It flys right up to my feet, and then climbs up my pant leg, waddles over to where the Umbrella Cockatoo is and Bites her while making an ah-ah-ee-ah sound! The umbrella shreeks and flutters over to where my mom is. The lady laughs and says that the little one has really taken a liking to me. My heart smiles and a small joy fills me.

Mom tells the lady that she will take the umbrella cockatoo and writes the cheque for four hundred dollars to the lady. The cheque is tan with a puppy dog print on it. While still holding the cheque the lady looks over at the little green bird clinging to my chest. "He really likes you," she says looking into my eyes with a sad smile.
"Would you take care of my little baby?"
I look over at mom "Can I?"
"I'd like him to go home with you, no additional charge, knowing he will be loved is enough."
I'm dumbfounded as I look at this lady the squeaking green blue bird is now mine! I knew from the moment we walked in that the Umbrella Cockatoo had won my mother's heart and would not be mine. I liked this little guy, but had not allowed myself to become attatched even though he had my heart the moment he rushed at the cockatoo, as if saying, "Back off bitch, he's mine!"

I thank the lady a million times over and start to pack the birds into their cages, and into Mom's silver lincoln town car, carefully setting the cages with their feathered cargo so as to not upset them, and to not scratch the leather enterior.

The lady gives us the feed and basic instructions on bird care. I nood and listen, she doesnt know I've been taking care of parrots for five years already, and I know I can always learn more...

We part ways with a hug and many thank yous.

The ride home is filled with energy, The cockatoo is ka'ing, and every once in awhile we hear the small green parrot rattle out "ah-ah-ee-ah."

Home for now is in Columbia, South Carolina. We approach the driveway, its a steep incline driveway (Its here my eight year old sister will have her first car accident).

"Do you know what you will name him?" I am asked.
"No, he hasn't told me yet."
"He will."

Mom parks the car next to the brick wall, next week I will back the car through this brick wall, but tonight everything is perfect.

I go to unload the birds, first I pick up the umbrella cockatoo's cage to carry it in. We enter in the house through the back entrance. Key-toe's, my mom's Molucan Cockatoo, cage is in the kitchen next to the back entrance. "Where should I put her?" I ask mom. "Just set her on the counter," I am instructed. My sister rushes into the kitchen at the sound of our arrival. The two cockatoos see each other... they cling to the sides of their cages, keytoe is doing acrobats in his cage as he eyes his new friend, he calls out to the new comer, "Hello Lolla!" Me and my family stare at each other in amazement, the birds prior name is already lost to us. "He just named her!" My sister calls out. No one could contest with this proclomation, and so the Umbrella Powder babe came to be known as Lolla.

Mom leans over andrea, resting her head ontop of my sister's long coper red hair, "Thats not all," She whispers with a smile. She nods at me to go and get the green parrot. I bring the little one in, my older brother points out that he has a 'funny' beak. The beak grows crooked forcing the little guys mouth slightly ajar, as if the beak had broken off at one point, something we didn't notice at the ladies house. Mom warns andrea that the little green one doesn't like little girls, something we had already witnessed was this little brave fellas hissing at the little girl from the trailer. "Why doesn't he like me?" "There was a little girl that looked similar to you at his last home, and she didnt treat him nicely... maybe in time he will grow to like you, but you have to be careful at first." Mom warns my little sister.

A week later I'm holding the little green guy when his name comes to me... Cisco... his little ah-ah-ee-ah's remind me not only of a dog toy, but also of the mexican cartoon characters on tv shout out araeba across the set on Saturday mornings. I tell this to my family as we sit in the basement recroom. Cisco keeps getting away from me and flutters down to the crayola red floor. Cisco has bitten me a dozen times by now, but its ok... birds do that when they are scared, you cant be upset at them for being afraid

Cisco and Lolla become sentinals of two decades. They watch as my mother's other birds die from various accidents, the toil of moving across the country with a small flock is that accidents do happen. A cage falls apart onto one parrot, a bird fight takes another, unknown illness takes another during one move. Cisco and Lolla were there to watch as Mom grew ill. They gave her love till the cancer had made her too weak to care for them. I volunteered to take them in seven years ago. When the cancer took mom, it was into Lolla's peppery feathers that I cried. The smell of the lillies competting with the smell of Lolla's breath as she pushed against my chest comforting me with, "Ka-ka-ka." I am sure that in a universal language this means, its all right... I'm here... its ok... I'm here...

Parrots are a reminder of how fragil life is. They are a wonderous creation that can out live a human, yet is succeptable to many things that we tolerate without notice.

Lolla and Cisco have been joined by a young honery Congo African Grey, named Elliot. He is named after the character from the movie ET, a boy that even an alien had to chastise with the instruction "BE GOOD."

After Mom's passed it was migration time, yet again... this time we migrated south from Boston to Providence, Rhode Island . A place that is neither a road, nor an island. Our roost is a loft. Lolla is the leader of our small flock. It is to her whim and instruction that lights are turned off at eight p.m. With a screech she will inform me that the T.V. is too loud, or on too late. She lets me know when she wants to be on me, and when she would rather be on the play pen than on my shoulder. The apartment is never without sound. Elliot mimics Lolla's screeches often. Recently a comical exchange began that he become a pattern.
Lolla screams.
Elliot replies, "What Lolla? What do you want?"
Lolla screams again
"Lolla, What?"
to the thrid screach Elliot will respond with an exasperated, "Lolla!"
He at times will even say, "Lolla, Hush!"

It has become my primary objective in life to please my dusty feathered friend. She loves to take a large seed, hollow it out and then use it as a shovel to throw her food as far as possible. Friends and lovers have pointed out that I can never keep the floor clear of seeds. Its a price that I pay gladly for the company of my feathered love. My relationship with her has endured where my relationships with men has faltered. I deal with the constant cleaning and the screaching comands as a labor of love.

Mom used to refer to Lolla as her little baby, so when I hug Lolla, I feel that I am somehow hugging a piece of Mom. Lolla is a shared love that connects me to my mother. When you love an animal you put a part of your soul into this lovely creation. The love endures even when we are no more.

My flock has comforted me these years, they have been my companions when I've felt entirely abandoned and betrayed. Their feathers have soaked in my tears of happyness and sorrow from boyhood to adulthood. For twenty years they have been my smile. I have nicknamed Cisco, Timex... he takes a licken, and keeps on ticken. For the past five years he has had trouble staying on his perch... every once in a while you hear a flutter and a thud. Fallen from his perch, he slowly climbs back up the side of the cage. His arthritic feet are on their last mile, he is my old boy. I thought he was at roads end seven years ago yet here he is still climbing up the side of his cage as if repeating a line from MOnty Python's Search for the Holy Grail, "I'm not dead yet!"

Two nights ago I came home opened up the tops of the cages, wheeled the play pen over next to Lolla's cage and watched as Lolla climbed up to the the top of cage. I brought Elliot over to the play pen, and attatched my feathered broach known as Cisco to my chest. I sat down and began to watch a recorded episode of Stargate SG1. This was a perfect end of a stressful day. My babies all happy, and me with a glass of white wine.


At Eight thirty Lolla starts to make this clucking noise. I look over and each time she clucks she shakes her head. I put Cisco onto the play pen and pick Lolla up. "Whats wrong honey?" In my arms her clucking stops and a labored panting begins. As I franticly try to find the number for my vet she falls backwards into my arms...

Oh my God, oh my God, you cant do this to me honey you cant...
She looks back at me scared...
Oh my God honey, I love you I love you so much, dont leave me...
Still scared, its now my turn to ka, to comfort...
Its ok honey, its ok... I love you, its ok, I love you...
Her eyes lock onto mine less frantic looking...
Its ok honey, I'm with you, its ok...
The lower lid of her eyes go up the white membrane is blue, and she is gone.

Twenty years of comfort is now gone. A piece of my soul taken from me within half an hour. I hold her crying for an hour as the heat from her body departs. All the times that I lost patience with her haunts me in this hour. "God I love you Lolla, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" These are the last tears that Lolla's feathers will absorb. My heart is torn. I wrap my baby in a towel and begin calling my sister. The hour is late, its the first time in five years that my lights are on past Lolla's curfew. I feel guilty. I hide Lolla from Elliots watching eyes, and dim the lights. The home will always feel to bright, and too quiet now.

I think of all the love I have given the leader of my flock, my comanding dust bunny. In truth it was she who added to me. It was her wings that gave my heart flight when all else was lost. It was she that added to me a part of her soul. When you love someone you give them a piece of your soul so that you are always one. Lolla's love gives my heart flight and hope. This weekend I take her to be with Mom. My plans are to spread her ashes over my Mom's resting spot. She is with Mom now, on her shoulder head sticking into Mother's long red hair saying "Ka, ka, ka" I love you, its ok... its ok.