On The Swing

When I was a child my favorite playground activities were things that could spin me around and around as fast as possible, and the swing sets. I loved the sensation and thrill of each, going faster and faster, watching the world become a blur around me… and the swings.

On the swings I had control. By moving my legs and body I could make the swing go higher and the wind blow in my face as my feet would reach ever new achievements of height. There were however moments when I realized that the momentum of the swing was out of my control and at these points I would grow scared, constrict my body, and start dragging my feet… or if overcome with fear I sometimes would jump off the swing, only to be struck by my tool of enjoyment moments later to a disastrous end of what was moments ago an activity of pleasure.

I’ve been on an emotional high for the past four months. I’ve gained new dear friends that mean the world to me, I have become a proud uncle of my sister’s baby, and I have found a new place to call my home. Along with all these elements of delight there have been moments of fear where I have felt the need to drag my feet a little and try to regain control and even one moment of jumping from the swing.

I’ve been on a rush you see… with my job in high achievement, business trips around the country and world, the excitement of my little sister giving birth, and friends that I love so dearly that sometimes I mistake my feelings for more than friendship. Each item has been like my feet on the swing reaching a greater and greater height. The adrenaline has been overwhelming.

With the excitement comes my anxiety. The very items I delight in become a focus of worry for me, they become things I fear I will screw up or lose. With the successful job comes the fear of somehow screwing up and getting fired. With my sister’s pregnancy creeps in the fear that I will no longer have a place in her life. With my friends I often worry that I will do something that will offend them, or cause them to turn their backs on me.

One of the elements of the toys on a playground is the fear, it is knowing that each item that we enjoy if not handled properly can turn around and cause us pain. The seesaw can knock you in the face causing you to lose your teeth, the merry go round can toss you into the gravel if you don’t hold on, the swing can bust your nose if you jump off and get hit by the swinging seat. When we frolic in our play grounds we know how each of these items can quickly turn on us and bring us discomfort, and in part it is this knowledge that makes the playground so adventurous and worth returning to over and over again.

There was one item in the playground I feared the most, and that was the seesaw… you see me and my brother used to play on the seesaw all the time, one would go up, and the other go down. One time my older brother decided it would be fun to torture his little bro by keeping him up high till I became afraid I would fall. My fear was so intense that I fulfilled it by jumping off the seesaw and coming face first into the paved ground below skinning my chin and causing me to cry out. My brother in a moment of guilt jumped off the seesaw and rushed to me. As he jumped from the seesaw he caused it accidently to go back up, bringing the plank of wood down onto my head for a double whammy on his kid brother.

My fear had grown to a point where I actually caused that which I was afraid of happening to come about…

Each element of my life that I enjoy and fear today can be the same way. I could self sabotage my job out of my anxiety. I could distance myself from my siblings till they don’t find me relevant anymore, and I can cling onto my friends till they feel they can no longer breathe with my suffocating grip around them.

The playground has a few lessons. We can enjoy what can potentially harm us, most pain we experience is self caused, and most importantly that fear can destroy our enjoyment of this life.

In learning to let go of my little fears I am learning that I can accomplish more in this life than what my elders once taught me. I am also learning that by letting go of my anxieties I find those fears unfounded, and only obstacles that I need to navigate around.