Phoenix Rising

When a great Zen Master returned to his country after many years of studying abroad the people asked what he brought with him. He said, “I’ve come with nothing but empty hands.”

Buddhism teaches that all suffering comes from attachments, and that the release from suffering comes from letting go of all expectations and wants.

The desires of the heart and the desires of the physical all have the potential to lead us to suffering. We are taught in the gospels that treasures will always come to ruin.

What then of the treasure of family? Will this always come to ruin as well? The answer seems to be yes. Expectations on family members are a setup for disappointment and anger. It is not important if you are loved and accepted by those around you, what is important is that you learn to love and accept yourself. The value placed on another persons feelings is a dangerous place to place the treasure of who you are. People change, our values change, our goals change. When we have given another power over our self esteem a disservice has been done to the self. When the treasure of self is placed in the family, death and change can destroy what we have placed worth in.

Where then can we place our treasure, our sense of worth?

Our achievements, our personal accomplishments, are they a safe place to store the treasure of our hearts? What is viewed as an accomplishment today may be viewed as a travesty tomorrow. That new job your so proud of today? That may be a leap into a new career with woes you never expected? That choice to up and leave everything you once knew and thought were the source of your sorrows, may just lead you to a lonely place in the middle of no where without friends or family. Our choices, our achievements they are multifaceted and with their ability to give us new things and take our lives in new directions so also is there the potential of loss and loneliness.

Many spiritual teachings teach that there is only one place to set your treasure. The safe place to keep your heart is in Heaven, were moss and rust will not destroy, where thieves can not steal, where violence will not mar. How can we set our eyes on Heaven when we live in the physical? We have needs and wants that must also be met. Where then is the balance? The balance comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes in time.

Choosing to let go of my past, I have moved back to Boston. My life in Providence was a cocoon that could easily have become a coffin. It was a place for me to lick my wounds and find my inner voice. It was a place for me to come to terms with being alone, and mourning my mothers death. It was a space for me to come to terms with my depression and learn to live again. It was a space filled with much happiness, and at the same time so much sadness. A race can not be run by looking backwards, it can only be run by facing forward and running with all your might, all your strength with a goal in mind. What then is this goal? For me the goal is to grow as a person, to learn to acknowledge when I wrong others (with intent, and by mistake), the goal is to become more.

I have spent time examining the intent of this blog, the intent I have in writting and publishing my thoughts and prose. The original purpose was for me to write through my grief in an effort to heal myself from the poison I felt within. It was also to share this process with others so that they might benefit from knowing that their feelings, their grief in similar situations was not in solitude.

I no longer need to write to know that I am not alone. I now write to share. I'd like to share in this space the beauty of life, and all the new wondrous things that are coming.

My cocoon now gone, I face a future that is uncertain and new to me. The choices that surround me are both beautiful and fearful, but each one an opportunity to further my life, further my growth. A season for silence has been needed. Its now time to write again, its time to find my voice once more. Its time to embrace what is the now and let go of the past. A phoenix rises from its ashes, a phoenix rises from death and reminds us that when all seems lost, life is not destroyed life is but changed.