A Spiritual Journey Of Hope

My Artistic Interpretation of Job (A Tale of A Mans Recovery from PTSD)

We all walk different paths, with different trials, and elements that can cause us to become disheartened. We go through seasons in our lives that are filled with the spring of hope, the summer of contentment, the fall in which we may lose that which we hold dear, and the winter of the spirit in which all may feel lost. As with the seasons, no emotional state is eternal. They ebb and they flow, and often we are carried with them. This is where having fellowship with one another is vital. Alone we can become lost to the ever-loud internal dialogue, in communion with one another we become stronger.

Hope is an emotion that is calming and supportive. Hope is also liberating and life affirming. When we face the storms of life, hope becomes an anchor, which keeps us emotionally centered. Hope lessens anxiety, liberates from oppression, gives resilient sense of self, and motivates us to embrace our future. The Sufi poet Rumi defines hope as, “the energy to go, the energy to move, to never think, ‘this is not worth it, I am done, I am tired…”

Ten years ago I attended a conservative Christian college. Throughout my time there I had to remain closeted about my sexuality, about who I was. After years of hearing repeatedly from various professors and mentors that homosexuals were cursed by God, and had no place in His church, or in ministry, eventually the message began to sink in. I stopped believing in a God of love, and in a world that was created out of love, and adopted a darker view of myself, and my world. I became reclusive.

There was however a professor who took a special interest in me. He took the time to listen to my fears, self-doubt, and feelings of futility. Through compassion and wisdom this individual was able to see my strengths, and passions that I had become blind to. 

It may be no surprise then that on my senior year internship, he challenged me to work with a group called Exodus, an ‘Ex-Gay Ministry.’ My assignment seemed simple. I was to answer a single question, “Is this a ministry of healing and hope, or one of spiritual abuse.”

Just as emotional abuse affects one emotionally, while physical abuse inflicts pain and bodily injury, spiritual abuse affects one spiritually. It is often the result of a leader, or spiritual system that tries to control, manipulate, or dominate a person, often with the tool of fear, this was the working definition, and the plumb line that I was given to hold to my internship.

The simple assignment changed my life. I observed not only what was being said to the attendees, but also how it affected them. I watched, as week-by-week the same people would repeatedly confess how they were unable to change their homosexuality despite prayer, fasting, and weekly attendance to the group. Those who failed to see any transformation in their lives were told that their failure was due to not having enough faith and hope in God’s healing power; new comers were instructed to cut ties with all those who tempted them to ‘sin’, to leave their friends, and sometimes to abandon their families and to immerse themselves within the organization. Instructions were given to imitate the body language and styles of straight members of their church congregations. In little time they replaced healthy relationships that fulfilled their desires with isolation, self loathing, and a never ending supply of guilt.

Perhaps my instructor had seen the same pattern forming in my own personality. I was constantly alienating those closest to me away with harsh humor, and isolating myself to my studies. In my solitude, and confessions to my mentor I would tell tales of how I was not worthy of God’s love, nor the love of another, because I did not have enough faith to change my sexuality. I had lost all hope of finding change within myself, and in turn had lost all hope of helping other people. 

The ‘simple assignment’ was anything but simple; it involved me taking a good look at not only at Exodus, but also at my own spiritual life. As I wrote my journal entries I began to see the pattern of spiritual abuse that my mentor had spoken of, not only at Exodus, but also in my own life; this was never so clear to me as while I was driving home from the final night of my internship. As an understanding of my situation began to grow I became overwhelmed with emotion. I pulled my car off the highway and began to cry. After a few moments of sorrow, I was filled with a sense of peace and love as the old Christian hymn came to my mind, ‘Just as I am without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me, and that thou bidst me come to thee, O lamb of God, I come, I come…’ 

A sense of renewal washed over me as I realized in my heart that just AS I AM, I am worthy of God’s love and the love of my fellow brothers and sisters. I continued my drive home, wrote my final report for my internship, and resigned from my Bible College.

That simple assignment from a man who barely knew me, but cared enough to take the time to reach out and aid me in my time of need, changed my life. I enrolled in a public university and majored in psychology. My new purpose was to understand who I was, in order that I may learn to fall in love with that Self, and to aid others in their lives. Rather than hope for a future salvation, I began to hope for a salvation realized in this life.

In our seven UU principles we affirm the statement, ‘Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.’ In so doing we declare our need for each other, a need for growing a supportive community that shows respect for one another. When we achieve this and start to care for people around us, intervening when each other is in need, we become stronger, we truly become a community.

One can envision ‘support’ as ‘to give hope to’. In supporting one another we create empowering relationships. These relationships instill a sense of hardiness; give us a sense of self; and ultimately allow us to turn stressful times into opportunities of growth and courage that aid us in realizing our potential.

To create this kind of empowerment we must first be mindful of our own lives, and then observant of each other. We must go beyond being bystanders of life and learn the art of challenging one another to rise above our circumstances and embrace our potential.  

Nelson Mandela once stated that, “Playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

Hope is not about denying that there will be hard times in life, and embracing a blinding sense of false optimism. True hopefulness is a spiritual practice that allows us to experience ourselves, our world, and to embrace our future. We are not passive souls staggering towards a New Jerusalem, or a mountain top experience, we are active participants in our own lives and in the lives of others. Cultivate one another’s strengths, skills, spiritual integrity, and you will cultivate a community of hope that will thrive against the test of time.

My fellow spiritual companions, Let us hold fast to the challenge of our seventh principle, let us live the interdependent web of life and become for one another what we hope for ourselves.