Falling in love is scarier than any of my other fears. To love someone you must first trust them, second let yourself be vulnerable, third embrace them for who they are, weaknesses and all. For so long I have lived in my protective shell and not let anyone truly touch my heart. I have walked away from some good men for these very reasons. Everyone has had at least one bad break up it seems. I’ve had one emotionally abusive relationship. One relationship, in which neither he nor I trusted each other so it ended with a fizzle. The last major relationship I was in lasted for a year, in the end, I couldn’t let myself be vulnerable to him. When we broke up I didn’t think I’d ever allow another to take that spot in my heart, I didn’t think I could trust another person enough to be vulnerable to them that love necessitates.
Falling in love is much like the trust building game played at youth group camps where you fall backward and your friends catch you from your free fall. You let yourself go, you have the sensation and adrenaline of the wind rushing through your hair and face, knowing that at the last minute, before you crash into the ground, there will be someone there to catch you.
I once fell in love with a man named Jesus of Nazareth. Eventually I made the mistake of walking away from that relationship due to the company that called him teacher. I blamed him for the lack of compassion showed to me by his so called followers. One rule in a relationship is that you must learn to live with your lovers friends, but never allow them to separate you from your beloved.
Having said all that, I must admit that I am terrified. I am terrified of the one I trust belittling me. I am afraid that he will not accept me for who I am. I am afraid of being physically hurt again, memories of being kicked, of being forced, haunt me. I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up to find that my new beloved has turned from me, that I might not be pleasing to him when the day is done. My insecurities make me cringe when I hear the bell of instant messenger.
I’m in love again. Being in love brings out the best and worst of me. My insecurities rise to the top as if I have been placed in a crucible. I’m afraid of loosing what I have found. So many fears… I know where these feelings come from, my past. I’m dealing with each one of these fears, sometimes they get the best of me, and I can become less of the person that I want to be and more of the person I fear I am.
The opposite of Love is FEAR. Love expands, and fear contracts. Love is the key to the prison of Fear, but often we become accustomed to our jail cells. We find reasons why we must stay in our cell. We tell our selves that we are less than perfect, not worthy of love, that we drink too much, smoke, and can not be monogamous. We tell ourselves that until we have the right job, and the right set of circumstances, that then we will be ready to ‘settle down’ and fall in love again. This is nothing more than self loathing. We find ourselves incapable of loving any other more than we love ourselves, thus if we lack love for self, how can we give love to another, instead of just taking it from them as if it were a possession. One trap of selfish love that I have seen is that we think that love can be measured, that it has some kind of tangible quantity that can only be dealt out in a specific measure.
My first love, Jesus, taught me one thing that I try to hold onto, that love is boundless, the more we love, the more love we have to give. Love is a cup that runs over and fills the chalice of all that are thirsty. We often live with a thirst for love without realizing that love is all around us, and all that we need to do is open our mouths and drink its sweet nectar. When I forget the lessons taught to me by my first lover, I grow thirsty, when I remember what he taught me I find that I thirst no more , and can turn to those around me, without fear, and fall into loves sweet embrace. Love is a sweet surrender, it lifts us up where we belong… My first love spoke the following words, “Drink from this cup, and you shall never grow thirsty again.”
May I learn to embrace his teachings, and in turn remember what love truly is:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (I Cor 13)
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