Hey Man, I got what You NEED

Have you ever wanted something, so badly that it possessed your body and your soul, through the night and through the day until you finally get it, and then you realize.... That it wasn't what you wanted after all. And then those self saying sickly little thoughts now go to touch themselves to something or somebody new... And the whole god damn thing starts all ... Over... Again.

Lyrics by The The

Often I find myself searching for things in this life, answers... Comforts, healing, a god damn reason for all that goes on around us. A reason why G.W. Bush can become president and turn America into a war mongering nation. A reason why those we love the most often are the ones that hurt us the most. A God Damn reason for ANYTHING. We find cause and effect. We find guess work into the hearts, minds, and spirit of man. In the end we are left to pick and choose. We are left alone and disillusioned.

Our hearts are fickle things, the reasons for falling into love and falling into what I call Ice are peculiar. Am I attracted to the fire because it burns so bright, or just burns when I touch it. I have so many questions about life. I studied the Bible and found only more questions. I read that Love is the answer to so many things, but how can that be when Love seems to be a chosen state of existence that promotes our own selfish goals. Is love nothing more than projection. Eros, Como, Philo, Agape all projections of a time long past when idealism ruled my heart.

There must be more, more to it than an endless search for answers that don't exist. The Buddhist might have it right with the just BE attitude, but then my mind wanders like the exotic monkey dancer that it is and gets caught in the doing of so many things.

Some teach that self reliance is the answer, loving yourself and letting that love build outward upon our love for each other, our love for ourselves is always greater than our love for others, even if we lie and say otherwise. Suicidal people claim to hate themselves, yet they put an end to their own suffering at the cost of others. Lovers cling to each other thinking of how happy the other makes them. Its a lie, the happiness comes from within for internal motives. We fall in love with ourselves, and hate in others what we hate in ourselves. All from within to the world of outside self. What am I getting at here... I am ranting to myself, I am reaching but I fall... The night closes in and what I find is the answer is in deed with in. No one can heal me, but me, I can not know what it means to love another without condition, until I first find that grain of truth within my own life.

Peace Mercucio... We talk and say nothing.