Self Compassion

Sara Paddison, a best-selling author wrote, "When we know love matters more than anything, and we know that nothing else REALLY matters, we move into a state of surrender. Surrender does not diminish our power, it enhances it." 

We are not our mistakes. We overcome our trials in community and suffer when we pretend that we can do 'this' alone. Pretending we are ok carries too great a price. The illusion of comfort in denial or self-sacrifice is not ours to carry in isolation… . There is no shame in suffering…. , just as there is no healing in silent self-torment.

The moments of crisis in our lives are the "crossroads" of opportunities for soul searching and self-realization. Here is where truth meets with the anguish of the ego's overwhelming resistance to change.

It is here where… moment by moment …we have the opportunity of the mind and spirit to let go of what no longer suites ourselves, or each other.

It is here that we have the opportunity to choose the virtue that can come from gratitude, and the healing that comes in learning to embrace our selves with compassion, that we learn to be caring of ourselves. 

Be mindful of this present moment, for today gives you the opportunity to be compassionate to yourself. 

Marcel Pagnol was a French novelist, playwright, and filmmaker. In 1946, he became the first filmmaker elected to the Académie Française and wrote that "The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be." 

Similarly, many look harshly at their lives, and pass judgment that is harder on them selves than any opinion that others may carry. What if, instead of judging the past, we embrace today, and let go of our expectations for tomorrow. We learn a new way of thinking… that allows us to embrace with love …our mistakes, smile at the opportunities that today presents, and leave tomorrow to itself. Once we are living in this present moment with compassion for ourselves, we learn that embracing our lives with the bravery that is love enables us to overcome more than we thought possible.

This kind of mindfulness can only be achieved by a life examined. One tool for self exploration which grants us the ability to be compassionate to our selves is meditation. But please do not think that this path is one free of irritation. What I am talking about is getting to know yourself, being familiar with your fears. It is a humbling exercise let go of our ideals…. Pick ourselves up a thousand times a thousand if needed. This is the path of self discovery. This has nothing to do with what you may believe or not believe. This is about having the courage to let go of the past, and embrace the present.

Recently I came across this story told by Pema Chodron in her book, “When things fall Apart,”

In 1960 Pema was attending a lecture about a man’s spiritual experience he had in India . He said he was determined to get rid of his negative emotions. He struggled against his anger and lust: He struggled against laziness and pride. But mostly he wanted to get rid of his fear. His meditation teacher kept telling him to stop struggling, but he took that as just another way of explaining how to overcome his obstacles.

Finally the teacher sent him off to meditate in a tiny hut in the foothills. He shut the door and settled down to practice, and when it got dark he lit three small candles. Around midnight he heard a noise in the corner of the room, and in the darkness he saw a very large snake. It looked to him like a king cobra. It was standing in front of him swaying. All night he stayed totally alert, keeping his eyes on the snake. He was so afraid that he couldn’t move. There was just the snake, himself, and fear.

Just before dawn the last candle went out, and he began to cry. He cried not in despair but in tenderness. He felt the longing of all the animals and people in the world; He knew their alienation and their struggle. All his meditation had been nothing but further separation and struggle. He accepted – really accepted whole heartedly – that he was angry and jealous, That he resisted and struggled, and that he was afraid. He accepted that he was also precious beyond measure – wise and foolish, rich and poor, and totally unfathomable. He felt so much gratitude that in the total darkness he stood up, walked towards the snake, and bowed.  Then he fell sound asleep in the floor. When he awoke, the snake was gone. He never knew if it was his imagination or if it had ever really been there, and it didn’t seem to matter. As he put it at the end of the lecture, that much intimacy with fear caused his dramas to collapse, and the world around him finally got through.

Recently I came across the following quote on face book… and it really struck a chord with me because I was finally ready to hear it:

Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are just better at hiding it than others

Pema Chodrom teaches us in her story to never stop running away from our fears. Move closer to them. Be there, and become familiar with your fears. As Zen Master Kobun Chino Roshi once taught, when relating to fear “Agree.. Agree with them.” The advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, and by any means make the fear and pain go away.

We do not need aids to disassociate our selves from our fear… we do this all to easily. When there is even the nearest hint of pain we often spin out of control in fear. Sometimes we check out… Facing our fears is not a measure of beating ourselves up. Embracing our fears is self compassion. 

When, however, we run out of options, we find that our lives have seemingly fallen apart the most profound spiritual truths can become pretty straight forward and ordinary. There is nowhere to hide. We see our truths better than anyone else. We then can begin to understand that though we cannot make our fear look pretty. We can embrace the teachings that we have learned through our lives.

We often think the brave are without fear that they are strong, and have no weaknesses. However the truly brave are well familiar with their fear. Allow yourself to experience your fear, to face it, and to act in spite of it. The trick is to never run away from your fear, even when the truth is not what you thought.

Nothing is ever what we thought it was going to be. Love, Courage, Fear, Mindfulness, Compassion for ourselves and compassion for one another, these are words that point to truths that we can only know with experience. When we allow our lives to fall apart, we become as Pema teaches, ‘Nailed to this present moment.’