Winter's End

Winter is on the cusp of ending. Its last breath moments away. She breathes in, holds the precious cold air, and sighs her last breath of snow over the land. Her jaw hangs loosely as the newborn spring begins to cry. Rivers of snow melt leaving loose mud that will bear the fruits of tomorrows still yet to come, still yet to grow.


Three months can seem like the blink of an eye, and at the same time they can feel like eternity has been crossed over and back. Grief rips apart time creating voids in time and space. I can be standing, walking in today and be sucked into a moment where I smelled Shalamar wafting in the air, and the faint scent of baby powder comforting me with sweet songs whose meaning surpassed my understanding. She sang us lullabyes of loss. When we were in pain she would sing of death, loss, and leaving. She tried to teach us that to love is to one day loose that which you love. A simple smell can take me back to that lesson that had been laid before me, and now I must consume or be consumed by the cup I have been given, for it will not be passed on.

I want to know that the one I love that is gone is at peace. I should know this in my heart, but I worry for her yet. I never met a woman that was so full of love for others in all my life. She loved God, and feared him. She walked with him in her own way. She feared the church for like me she felt judged by them. Judged for wearing makeup and smoking cigarettes as a sinner that one should shun.

My mother would spend hours painting her face with her makeup. Her end product a master piece everything. I always wished that she would know that the canvas was beautiful, that which she covered was beauty, and what turned peoples heads to her, was not the painting but the essence of the painter. The presence that made one feel at ease that even if only for a moment all was well in the world.

Mom out there... Beside me, where ever you are. I miss you. Its hard to go on at times, but I do because you did. Even in the end you chose not to give in, not to do anything but fight for life. When offered to turn down the treatment you said you would do it, knowing it would kill you, but might somehow teach doctors for 'all the other women out there.' For you I go on as hard as it is, I go on. Your birdies Cisco and Lolla are with me, safe and sound they give me comfort at times and remind me of your passions. Forgive me for giving up at times and wanting to throw the towel in, help give me the strength to continue on in the good fight.

Love you,
Chris